Depression has affected me since year 6, the swallowing feelings have come and gone. Events throughout my life have caused it to build up like the tragic car accident at that age which triggered the depression. The person who lost their life was a positive male role model in my life and I started self harm from the age of 12 after the traumatic funeral. Hiding sharp objects and cuts on my arms and wrists from my mum and dad wasn’t really emotionally present. Age 13 starting high school, a completely different dynamic, making new friends and coming into a new town meant I only had one close friend at the time. Girls that I thought were friends stabbed me in the back, not literally just school yard bullies that ridiculed me for being different. I was going through hormonal changes and rarely got along with my dad. What I really needed was a positive role model who would understand my scenario and the feelings that I was going through but coming home there would just be explosive arguments, physical and emotional abuse, which made home life difficult. To have someone there to care about me would have helped with my depression but I felt there was no one to help which seemed like I was on my own. No one to talk to or feel comfortable to freely express my emotions and feelings.

The physical and emotional abuse I suffered over the next 3 years impacted me negatively to the point of developing anxiety and PTSD. When I was pushed to run away from home at age 14. I hadn't seen any of my friends in weeks after a family holiday and wanted to sleep over at a friend's house which led to an argument with my mum. When i walked out the front door my dad told me "good dont fucking come back". My heart sank and I began running, tears streaming down my face thinking they don't want me in their life. I stayed at a friend's house that night and the following afternoon the police arrived, my friends told me I had to go. I had half a mind telling me to run and jump over the back fence and never look back. Out the front Dad instantly told me to get in the car. The events that followed when I returned home that day were brutal, a kick up the ass whilst walking up the stairs being told to go to my room. Several blows to the stomach in the bedroom I still live in, whilst my mother stood and watched, followed by being told "if you ever do that again ill kill you". I was told I was grounded for five months and so with that I hurt and I cried and I shut myself in my room. Being forced to eat dinner at the family table as if nothing had happened and I didn't have sore guts and despise the pair of them. I would walk to and from school everyday without ever spending extra time outside with friends for months. I wasn't even allowed to return back to my casual job, let alone call them to tell them I cannot work anymore.

At the age of 15 I met my first boyfriend. I finally had a good reason to ask to leave the house on the weekend. After he broke up with me I sent him a message on facebook and his new girlfriend started to bully me at school. Getting pushed and shoved and told I am a  slut and to stay away from him. Several incidents happened along these lines where I was unknowingly stepping on toes and  I got punched in the face on school grounds and bashed on my way home from school. I no longer felt safe at home or at school and felt even more alone then I already was.

Years of untreated stress, anxiety and depression went by and I began to have outbursts of anger, when my mum asked me if I needed professional help. From here I saw my first psychologist and when I started a new relationship I stopped therapy, I thought I was happy. After we broke up years later, at the age of 18, my life began to spiral out of control with reckless lovers and substance abuse. I was constantly trying to escape my hurtful reality and running from a traumatic home where my feelings were constantly unvalidated and ridiculed for being overly emotional. At this point I went back into therapy where I was diagnosed but not treated for Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasn't told a lot about my condition and how to cope let alone be medicated for it. More years went by of whirl-wind relationships running from one abusive guy to the next suffering from severe malnutrition, several concussions, emergency hand surgery and a car accident and I still couldn't control my own anger. I started to self harm again with serious suicidal tendances.

In 2018 at age 22 I had my first admission to the psychiatric ward due to fibromyalgia, severe stress and adrenal fatigue. My boyfriend at the time left me alone the night after I was released and once again feeling abandoned I tried to take my own life. An ambulance was called and I went straight back to hospital for yet another month of therapy. Here is where my healing journey finally began. I got the right medication, treatment and learnt how to cope with my condition.

Several admissions later and I'm still getting stronger, battling addiction and suicidal thoughts. Today I have forgiven those who have done wrong by me however I'm still haunted by PTSD and manic urges. My parents are now my biggest supporters and although home life is still difficult it's getting better with time and communication. I have a wonderful psychologist through victim services who treats me whilst I go through Dialectical Behavioural Therapy which I am lucky enough to receive through a private hospital. And I finally found a guy I actually like and can take my time with, who treats me with respect and the only pain he causes me is my cheeks when I smile.

The words I couldn’t say;

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery,

Today is a Gift that’s why it’s called Present.

“Uncle George has passed away” Age 7.