My story starts at the tender age of 5. It was November 1997. A day that is imprinted in my mind so very clearly since. Being pulled out of school was something very unusual, for myself and my brother. It had not happened before. As kids we were just excited to be getting out of school early! A family friend came to pick us up, she then proceeded to take us to the lolly shop and brought us some treats. How exciting! Or so we thought... We then continued on home to what seemed to be an empty house but dad's car was there. Something wasn't right. Maybe mum was a little bit sicker than yesterday? I dumped my school bag and went racing to mum and dad's bedroom before anyone had realised. As I approached the room there was mum, dad kneeling on the floor in a mess with the pastor from our local church standing with a hand on his shoulder. It was at that moment I realized mum was gone. I had no control over the outburst that followed as I was being dragged away by our family friend away from this horrible site. She tried her best to explain everything gently but what good is that to a child who has lost their mum..? I remember the day we said our final goodbyes. Most people assume a 5 year old wouldn't understand a funeral. I understood very well. I remember sitting up the front of the church staring at a box through my swollen tear filled eyes, knowing that we were saying goodbye to my beautiful mum. Then the moment came to bury her, oh what a horrible time this was! I threw a picture I had drawn for her in her favorite colour and some bark, as I was told it was time to go. “Say one last goodbye, Millie", dad said as he scooped up his shattered daughter. I could not contain any emotions at that point still and continued to wail for my mum! A very vivid traumatic memory for me to share but something that plays through my mind nearly on a daily basis. I struggled all my life allowing anyone to become too close to me since. I have lost some amazing people in my life due to this, family included. This is a subconscious protection mechanism that I have developed to protect myself from either hurt or harm. As a teenager I took up a lot of self-destructive habits. The first being self-harm. Self-harm was a go to when I wasn't feeling anything. It has allowed me to feel. Silly you may think but when you become so numb inside what else do you do to prove to yourself that you are still human and alive? My self harm habits became quite addicting and continued down some very dangerous paths. I managed to stop damaging my body by choice or so I had thought... Alcohol was a dear friend of mine through-out my late teenage years and early 20's.  This in turn was causing me some quite strong blackouts where my self-harm would continue from that state. Nothing scarier than the first time you awake in the morning to find large amounts of blood, poorly cleaned up and cuts up your arms. I thought I was done with this!? How can I control something that is happening when I am drinking, to cope?  Stop drinking was the only option. Obviously.  After the drinking had stopped, the blackouts continued. I was in a very poor mental state which needed serious intervention.

I had attempted multiple times to take my life with little success.

This involved a number of stays between Bega and Goulburn psychiatric facilities.

A lot went on behind the walls of those facilities most of which has become quite a blur to me now.

Things improved for a little while and life seemed to be getting back on track after countless hospital stays, medication changes, the multiple stays in Psych units and being picked up by the police in a psychotic state. There is a lot more I could include but it simply came down to the fact that I was a complete danger to myself and at times to others as well. The self hate I had for myself was so extreme!

My life became quite out of control. To the point where I had lost control again to blackouts. My mind would switch itself into auto-pilot as things would become too much and then there was no telling what was going to happen. I became very sick from very extreme self-harm, which I cannot go into detail about as the details are lost to me.

I was released from a 4 month stay which was between a psychiatric hospital and a rehab facility. I had come home with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress disorder. This was hard enough to grasp..On top of that being institutionalized for that amount of time as a 20 year old was very tough, coming home and having control over my life again was awesome and was also a little daunting! I was lucky enough to have a loving home to return to, even though my mental health had tried so very hard to push them away!

Things were going so well! No self-harm, I feel pretty good. I have found a really special man. So I stopped taking all my medications within 6 months of coming home from rehab.

This didn't seem to be the worst idea. I still felt ok off my medications.

I fell pregnant with our beautiful little girl in 2016\. Being pregnant was amazing for my general health and my mental health. I had never felt so normal, so happy!

Our daughter Lucy was born 27/6/2017 we were so in love. Such a tiny little human all of our own to love and care for! How scary and amazing all at once!

To say I coped well as a new mum would be a lie. I really, really struggled to build an attachment to our little girl and struggled with the fact that I need to step up for little Lucy, I am not sure I am good enough. She deserves so much better than what I can give.

Slowly but surely though things snowballed out of control once more.

Here I go again pushing away the people in my life that I need the most! Working became nearly impossible, living daily life seemed nearly impossible!

Fast approaching mum's 21st anniversary and the year that I outlived her, I just fell apart. Nothing made sense. How can I be a mother when I just outlived mine? Why do I deserve to live any longer?

My mind raced day in and day out. Can I keep going? It caused my anxiety to peak to a point where it caused my mind to switch to auto pilot and take control for me because of my head once more. I could not handle anything, not even basic life. This happened when I drank but I have not been drinking heavily since leaving rehab 7 years ago. I could count the amount of drinks I had had at that time on one hand. So why am I blacking out again? This is scary, I have an 18 month old. I am not well enough to be her mum right now.

So, with a lot of love and support from my partner, we decided it was safest for me to be admitted for extra help. This was in late 2018, not long before Christmas. I stayed away from my baby and my life for another week. That was one extremely difficult week but it helped me realise how much I do love my little girl. It made me realise that if I stop taking my medications that were WORKING then everything will fall apart and I will end up heading back to where I started. It also made me realise that it is ok to fall apart sometimes but build up supports and not push them away.

We are all trying our hardest and sometimes we just can't keep up.

My story is ongoing from here, a daily battle that I am slowly learning to manage and cope with better. All my support is my foundation to staying strong. I must remember to keep these people close.