Before I start, this is something absolutely major for me to share.

Those who are close to me know just how hard this is for me, especially in this town. I know my story is one many of the town would have heard by now.. but it’s highly likely the facts are incorrect. And of course, this will probably upset a few people.

I apologise for it being so long, I’ve even cut some things out to shorten it..

But here it is. This is MY STORY.

The end of 2006, beginning of 2007 is the time my world came crashing down, the year when I discovered that what my eleven year old self thought may have been ‘normal’, was nowhere near it.

A small safety class that was held at my primary school brought knowledge to me that what was happening wasn't ok.

At that moment, I burst into tears. I was stopped on my way back to my classroom by our principal who had told me if I needed to talk to her to come down and speak to her during lunch. After telling 3 of my close friends at the time we all decided to go to her office so I could speak up.

I remember this day like it just happened.. those words that left my mouth ‘he touched me’...

After briefly explaining to my principal what had happened.. She organised an interview with a police officer and a DOCS worker for that Friday.

At this time, no one in my family knew.. I hadn’t told a soul except those 3 friends and my principal.

I went to the interview, crying in fear at the words ‘Queanbeyan police’ . I sat there for the remainder of my school day telling them what had happened.. being eleven years old I was terrified, not only did I come to acknowledge that it wasn’t normal, I am now attempting to tell strangers about it. Being so young and so scared I froze and didn’t disclose the whole truth.. only a part of it. As a result of that they declared it as ‘accidental’ and that the program had ‘put the wrong idea in my head’.. they had notified my family, and with such little proof and the fact I didn’t speak the whole truth, nothing was done. It’s not that I wasn’t believed by my family, it’s just something that was so hard to take in, a child saying something happened yet people from the professional legal side saying it’s accidental made things hard.. at this time though, I had felt like I wasn’t believed, but that’s my doing.

For quite some time after, he continued to be in my life.

Though this form of abuse had stopped, going anywhere with this man had me in a panic.

Come to high school , at the age of 13 or 14 another person came forward about something similar, with the same person.

I began to get bullied, started off as normal every day bullying of name calling etc. as the time went on, an investigation was formed, I began to self harm.. when people around the school began to find out I had self harmed, the bullying continued, except this time, it was worse.. it went from the typical name calling to ‘your just an attention seeker’, ‘your a suicidal freak’, ‘do it properly next time’.. I could go on.. some people even went as far to tell me to kill my self.. little did any of these people know what had happened in the past, or that there was an investigation happening in the quiet..

I began to smoke cigarettes, even started smoking on the school premises, I started wagging school, I became extremely troubled.. again the bullying continued.. I was called ‘a dreg’, ‘a feral’, ‘a no hoper’.

That was when I began to lose myself. I left school at the end of year 9, did distance education for year 10. I started dating a guy who was 5 years older than me...

that relationship became violent.. I lost everyone around me, my friends, I pushed my family away.. I stayed with him for just over 2 years. I hid bruises I had on my arms, continued to self harm, I couldn’t even recognise who I was when I looked in the mirror.. I wasn’t this happy young girl who was carefree anymore. I wasn’t me. It got to the point where I snapped, I lost it at him at his work, police were called and when they came to my house, I wanted to kill my self. I don’t remember anything of this, just what I have been told by my family. The police called an ambulance and from there I was taken to hospital on suicide watch, I had fresh self harm on my arm and they had asked me so many questions. I didn’t sleep that night. I remember watching the sun rise.

When I was 16 years old, I finally went to the police, I opened up and spoke the whole truth of the assault I went through at 11 years old. It took me so many tries to write an entire statement.. but with the help of my family and my councilor (forever grateful for that woman!) I pushed through it. I did it, I told someone about what I had endured at a young age.. I felt like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Shortly after this I had broken it off with my boyfriend after I found he had been cheating..

I broke free from two things I had been hiding and holding onto.

I began partying, drinking a lot, and I was still severely depressed. I’m not entirely sure I remember a day where I didn’t drink.. I was once again put into hospital on suicide watch at one point.

Early 2015 I had found out I was pregnant with my son, again another shitty situation as I was told lies, I was convinced that things I was being told about this guy weren’t true. How stupid was I? I had once again allowed myself to be manipulated by another guy, I began to be called a home wrecker, a slut etc. but everyone was so quick to judge without asking. Deep down I think I knew, but every time I brought up the situation with this guy, he continued to tell me differently.. and I believed him. He ran off as soon as I told him I was pregnant. I was so severely depressed that at the time I didn’t think I could live on this earth anymore, I wanted to end it all... after many many days of arguing with myself in my head something inside me snapped. I realised that I was growing a little human inside me, I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I can’t keep feeling like this. I pulled myself out of that deep hole I was in. My son truly saved my life.

When I was about 9-11 weeks pregnant I went through the trial. I didn’t have the strength to stand in the same court room as this person so I was on CCTV. I listened to the tape when I was 11 years old.. how scared and innocent I sounded, I was absolutely destroyed. But I pushed through. I had to do this. And at the end, the jury came back with a GUILTY verdict! How over the moon I was!! I felt amazing! I felt relieved, like I had made a huge difference! Strangers heard my story and BELIEVED ME!

Around two years later he appealed.. he was granted the appeal on the ground of an ‘unfair’ trial, the judge had sentenced him with the rules of now, not when I was 11 years old. So again, he was free.. walking around the same town I was. My paranoia came back, my deep depression came back, my anxiety and yes, even at times my self harm.. the suicidal thoughts.

But how can I do this? How can I feel like this with an absolutely amazing child who loves me with everything he has? I wish I could tell you, even though I was losing myself again, my child is still what kept me going. There were times where when he went to bed, I'd sit in the bathroom and cry..

Even though I had a new partner who loved my son like his own, who was patient with me, I was still losing myself. Neither of them understood which then led me to break down, my relationship was going down with me..

January 2018 I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I was over the moon but also scared as my relationship was breaking apart before my eyes. I had the re-trial coming up and I was such an emotional wreck.

I proceeded through the retrial, and as I was preparing myself to once again give my evidence I was called in, it turned out that he decided to plead guilty!

Again I felt relieved! I felt like I had won once again, that I was believed for a second time.

Although that was amazing, my relationship still wasn’t.. things became very horrible.

The anger on both sides was terrifying, the emotional abuse was very real, I was once again in a bad place. Depression and suicidal thoughts came flooding back again as our relationship turned physical, verbal, unhealthy.

Everyday was an argument, none of it was good.

May 2018 he left.. he left us.

I blamed myself for months, I cried for months, I was arguing with myself on whether I can have another child on my own, whether this child deserved to be bought up in this.

I was deciding on whether I should keep the baby or adopt out.

I was again on my own, but this time pregnant and with a toddler..

Not only was I feeling abandoned but the emotional stress it caused my son has and still is destroying me. Every night he cried for my ex partner, everyday he would ask me for ‘daddy’.. I couldn’t help but blame myself.

How could I do this to my son? How could I allow a man in his life, allow him to get so emotionally attached? Allow him to call him dad? Neither of us pushed the whole dad calling either, my son came out with it and it just stuck. For the remainder of my pregnancy it was a constant battle with trying to heal myself as well as my son. I felt like I’d failed as a mother, two males walked out away from us. And that’s my fault, the fear that one day my son will think it’s his fault hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

The day I fell into labour with my daughter, my ex partner showed up for the birth.

When my son came to visit his baby sister, the look on his little face when he saw the guy he called dad for the first time in 6 months was a mixture of sadness, confusion and anger.

Still to this day, I am battling every emotion possible regarding my past.

Especially with my children. My son most of all as he is still emotionally struggling.. I still blame myself, I still hate myself, I hate the fact my son is affected by the choice I MADE.

Although things with my ex partner are slowly getting better, it won’t ever change what I have gone through regarding the kids..

It won’t ever change the damage it has caused both myself and my son.

2019 was the year my life FINALLY started to look up. My ex and I managed to move forward in a civil way. He started to become involved in my kids' lives. Including my son. Even though the emotional damage was caused in the process of our break up, my ex decided to take on my son and include him.

July 2019. I met someone. At the time I was extremely weary. After all I had just gone through so much regarding myself and my children with the last relationship I had been in.

The more we talked the more we realised we had in common. In august 2019 he had asked if I wanted to date him. I said yes. From then on our relationship has been full of support and growth on both sides. My little family of 3 extended to a little family of 6. With my two children and his two. I couldn’t be more grateful.

July 2020.

The male who caused so much damage to my life was due for parole.. yep that’s right.. he was about to walk free once again!

He was granted parole. I had put in a submission with what I saw fit for him upon release. And to my surprise, it was agreed.

Although he is a free man, he isn’t allowed in the Cooma-Monaro area. Nor is he allowed in Queanbeyan or Eurobodalla areas. He has an ankle monitor for the period of his parole (just under 3 years), isn’t allowed contact with anyone under the age of 16 without approval, nor is he allowed in the presence of them without approval by the parole board.

So all those extra conditions on top of the standard parole conditions.

Of course I don’t think it’s ok that after just over 4 years this person can live his life back in the community. Why should he be allowed to continue on while I suffer a life long sentence of trauma?

Well, I didn’t have a choice in that matter. So the only thing I could do was put in that submission.

Of course all those past emotions once again came flooding back, my mind began to fight with itself again, I became depressed once again. To the point I had to change medication (what a ride that was!).

But the difference from back then to now is I refuse to hide my past. I have the support of so many people who I am beyond grateful for!

I am stronger, I’m not a little girl who is afraid anymore. I AM A SURVIVOR.

My life from then to now has been a huge roller coaster of ups and down.  In fact, you wouldn’t believe the amount of people who STILL throw ridiculous statements at me regarding the assault I went through, attempting to hurt me, make me react. They fail to realise that part of me began to heal a long time ago. I know the truth, that’s all that matters.

But you know what? EVERYTHING I have been through has shaped me into the person I am today. Do I hate what happened to me? OF COURSE! But it gave me an insight to just how easy sexual assault can happen, it gave me knowledge of mental health, of sexual assault, even the justice system. Ive healed enough to hold no grudge against those who bullied me, those who put me down, those who told me to kill myself.

Many people see me day to day and have absolutely no idea.

Sexual abuse is more common than you think, depression effects more people than you’d think. Domestic abuse and violence is also extremely common.

Sometimes those who smile the biggest smile and laugh the loudest laugh, are battling something everyday and you just don’t know.

If you’ve suffered any form of abuse, you’re not alone. And I hope that telling my story may even help those who are going through, or have been through similar.

You may feel lost, you may feel scared.

But your story doesn’t have to be kept a secret, your story doesn’t have to end.

Because I BELIEVE YOU.